Dude Looks Like a Lady
by PodSara
Summary: Rinoa accidentally turns one of the Orphanage Gang into a girl. Swearing, hysteria, potty accidents, thongs and boob jokes abound.
1. Default Chapter

**_DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY_**

**Chapter One**

_An Unfortunate Accident_

"Rinoa, I really don't want to do this," Zell complained. "Can't you get Squall or Irvine. Selphie maybe?" 

Rinoa shook her head and grinned. "Sorry, Zelly. I've already asked everybody. You're the only one not doing anything right now. You're not afraid of me, are you?" 

"Of course not!" he said as a blush spread across his cheeks. Truth be told, he _was_ afraid of her. Last week, she'd convinced Irvine to go with her to the training center, and she'd accidentally turned him into a giant purple frog for half an hour before she figured out how to change him back. And poor Irvine, for the last week, he'd been croaking at random intervals without meaning to. Whenever he opened his mouth, a 'ribbit!' was inevitable. People had been stalking him all week, just to hear him croak like a frog. His reputation as a ladies man was ruined. What girl wanted a guy who said things like, "I ribbit you," and "Hey there gorgeous, how about the two of us go somewhere and ribbit, ribbit, ribbit?" 

The truth was, Rinoa's magic was out of control, and sometimes, things went terribly, terribly wrong. Zell had a bad feeling about this. He no more wanted to train with Rinoa than he wanted to fight a PCP snorting Seifer armed with two gunblades. It just wasn't a good idea. 

"You don't have to do anything except spar with me. That's all I ask. Put up a good fight and I'll try not to hurt you too much," she said as they entered the training center. "Now quit complaining." 

"I don't know about this. After what you did to Irvine . . ." 

"That was an accident, and I changed him back, didn't I?" she said. "Cooperate and I'll buy you a hotdog." 

Zell wanted to tell her to stuff it, but the offer of a hotdog was tempting. It had been a month since he'd gotten his hands on one. "I want two." 

"You're a cheap date, Zell. I figured you would have asked for more than two." 

"Five, then," he said, realizing his mistake. He probably could have gotten far more out of the bargain if he'd thought about it, but he hadn't. The temptation had been too great. Depravation will do that to a body. 

"Nope. You said two. A deal is a deal," Rinoa gloated. 

"Crap," Zell swore. "All right. Two, but if you turn me into something weird, I will insist you buy me ten hot dogs." 

Rinoa thought for a moment, then nodded. "Fair enough." 

The training center was deserted. Zell was thankful for that. How embarrassing it might be if anyone were to see him transformed into a lizard or a duck or something equally humiliating. "Let's get this over with," he said, resigned to the fact that he'd just committed himself to an impending disaster. 

Rinoa began the fight by casting Aero, of which Zell had junctioned to his Life stat. All it did was heal him, and it did him no good because he hadn't been injured. Yet. There was still no telling what Rinoa might do to him, if only by accident. 

Zell retaliated with a front sweep and knocked Rinoa on her backside with a heavy thud. 

"Chicken-wuss, didn't your mommy teach you not to pick on girls?" 

Zell didn't even need to see the speaker to know who it was. His face screwed up into a scowl and he spun around, irritated. He'd asked Seifer repeatedly not to call him 'Chicken-wuss.' Zell Dincht was not a chicken, and he was no wuss either. The nick-name didn't even make sense. "How about I pick on you instead, lapdog?" 

"Do yourself a favor and stick to what you know, which is how to fight like a girl," Seifer said and he twirled his gunblade in the air. Zell wanted to wipe the cocky grin off Seifer's face. "There's absolutely no way you'd beat me in a fight." 

Zell had long been looking for an opportunity to make Seifer eat crow. It looked like today was the day. He lifted his fists and grinned as he swung his fists at the air. "Is that a challenge?" 

He didn't get a chance to prove Seifer wrong. Rinoa patterned her hand in the air. "Meteor!" she cried. 

Zell turned toward the sound of her voice and cringed. Meteor was one spell he did not have junctioned, and he badly wished he did. Meteor was no joke. The last time someone had cast that particular spell on him, he'd been KO'ed and had spent three days in the infirmary recovering. 

Nothing happened. He looked up at the sky, curious. No fireballs from the heavens came his way. 

"I think I messed that one up," Rinoa said, looking perplexed. "Huh?" 

Zell returned his attention to Seifer, and did a double take. He'd never thought people actually did that, but for the first time, Zell had to look twice. He looked at Seifer. Looked again. 

And laughed. 

Seifer had been transformed into a woman, and quite an attractive one. Instead of his short, spiky do, is hair was a cascade of golden curls that fell past his shoulders in lustrous waves that any model would envy. He was dressed in a pair of tight fitting black daisy dukes that accentuated his long legs and a white tank top that accentuated the most perfect pair of boobies that Zell had ever seen. All Zell could do was point and laugh. 

Beside him, Rinoa giggled. A little at first, then she began to howl with laughter. 

Seiferette was not amused. He didn't seem to understand why they were laughing at him, and his pretty face twisted into an ugly scowl. "What the hell is so funny?" he demanded. His voice was different. Soft, low but most definitely feminine. 

Zell wiped the tears of hysteria from his eyes. "You're a . . . ha ha ha, you're . . . ha ha ha!" 

"I'm a what?!" he insisted. 

Rinoa collapsed to the ground, rolling with insane laughter, which only made Zell laugh harder. 

"What, is my fly open? My dick hanging out? What?!" Seifer demanded as he flung out his arms and looked down at himself, as if to check to see if that was the case. 

Then, he froze, his arms still flung out in an absurd gesture that made tears spring into Zell's eyes once again. He knew he was wishing for death, for once Seifer realized what had happened, he would certainly murder the both of them, but he didn't care. He wished he had a camera, something to immortalize the moment forever. Not that this was something he would forget. 

"What the fuck?" Seifer mumbled, staring down at his legs. He stuck one out and felt it. Stuck the other one out and did the same thing. Then he felt the waist band of his shorts, tugged at them and gawked as if he'd never seen a pair of short shorts before. "What the hell is going on? Where are my pants?" 

Rinoa was sobbing on the ground beside Seifer. "Oh Dear Hyne!" she cried, "thank you for granting me this moment! I am forever in your debt!" And then she dissolved into giggles again, clutching her stomach and kicking her feet against the ground. 

Seifer's hands began to wander upward. When they found the enormous breasts there, he squeezed. Once, twice, three times he groped himself and then he paled. He squeezed again and looked down. "HOLY SHIT!" he cried. "You gave me boobs!" 

Rinoa began to laugh so hard, not a sound came out of her as she writhed on the ground, near hysteria. 

"One of you better fix this, or else," Seiferette growled as he surged forward and grabbed both of them. "I'm serious. Fix this or you're both dog food." 

Zell's throat and stomach ached. He couldn't even manage a reply to Seiferett's threat. All he could do was laugh. 

"I don't . . . I don't know . . .ha ha . . . how!" Rinoa giggled. "And I can't . . . he he he . . . when I'm . . .l . . .ha . . . laughing!" 

Seiferette let go of them and drew his gunblade. He pressed it against Rinoa's throat. "Is this enough motivation for you to stop?" he asked. 

Still giggling, Rinoa nodded. 

Seiferette hauled Rinoa to her feet and took a step back. "All right, fix it. And stop laughing. This isn't funny." 

Rinoa dissolved into giggles again. She tried to calm herself, tried her hardest not to smile, but the corner of her mouth began to twitch, and then the other began to twitch and she laughed out loud. "Seifer, I can't!" she cried, howling with laughter. 

"I don't want to hear _I can't._" 

"I don't know how I did it, so I don't know how to undo it," she said, managing to control her giggles. 

"You'd better figure it out before someone sees me like this." 

"Well, I can try but I can't guarantee I won't change you into something worse," she said. 

"Like a frog," Zell reminded him. 

"_Damn it, Rinoa fix it!_" 

For the next hour, Rinoa attempted to undo what she'd done with no success. Seiferette had been pounded by hail, swept away by wind, drenched in water, coated in a nasty greenish goo that resembled snot, and pulverized by meteorites several times over, but nothing she tried worked. She was exhausted and beginning to lose hope that she could fix the damage she'd done. 

"I hate to tell you this, Seifer, but there's nothing I can do," she said wearily as she took a seat on the ground. "I'm all out of ideas." 

"Keep trying!" he insisted. "I can't walk around with these _things_ on my chest! Do you know what that will do to my reputation?" 

"Yelling at me is not going make this go any better, Seifer," Rinoa said. "I'm tired. I need to rest before I try again." 

"So what am I supposed to do? Deal with it until you're ready?" 

"Yeah," she said and crossed her arms. "Unless you want me to keep pounding you with meteors all day." 

Seiferette let out a string of explictives that contrasted twisted his lovely lips into something ugly. 

"Nice girls don't talk like that, you know," Zell said and chuckled. The initial hilarity of the situation had worn off, but he was still quite amused and couldn't keep himself from laughing out loud from time to time. 

"I'm not a girl." 

"Well, pal, you really ought to take a look in the mirror." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seiferette asked. 

"Dude, you're a girl." 

Explictives again. 

"Seifer will you control yourself?" Rinoa asked. "It's not the end of the world. It might wear off in a few hours. All you have to do is lay low until it does or until I figure out a solution. In the mean time, if anyone asks, you're Seifer's long lost sister from Galbadia." 

That seemed to calm Seiferette somewhat, though he was still quite upset. "What's my name?" he asked after a moment. 

"Seiferia," Rinoa said. 

"Seiferia?!" 

"Can you think of anything better?" Rinoa asked, insulted that he'd dislike her suggestion. 

"How about Seiferette?" Zell suggested, then began to giggle again. 

"Shut it, chicken-wuss!" 

"Sorry, this is just too damned funny. Can't help myself." 

"Whatever!" Seifer cried in his girlie voice. "Seiferia is fine. It's just temporary right?" 

Rinoa nodded slowly, though she looked skeptical. "Just temporary." 

"All right. But you two have to swear to me that this goes no further than the three of us, or so help me I will make you suffer for the rest of your lives."   
  
  
  


Seifer could not believe what had just happened. He was still in shock over the two huge mountains that dominated his chest. As he walked along the corridor to his dorm room, he couldn't help but reach up and squeeze one of them. Boobs. He had boobs. Right there, on his chest. They got in his way when he walked. His arms bumped against them with each step. They _bounced_ with each step. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this until Rinoa figured out a way to fix it? 

"Woooh! Pretty mama!" someone behind him called. "What's your name baby?" 

After a second, he realized the young man was speaking to him. A hot blush spread across his cheeks and he walked faster, not wanting to be seen. Hyne help him if someone recognized him. 

"Wait up, baby!" 

Seifer glanced behind him. It was that damned cowboy. Great. Just freaking great. He picked up the pace, but the cowboy caught up with him. 

"Wow, you look good from every angle!" the cowboy said. 

"Fuck off," Seifer told him. 

"Feisty too!," Irvine said. "Say, what's your name, pretty lady? You look kind of ribbit, um, I mean familiar." 

"Don't you have a girlfriend, cowboy?" he asked annoyed that he didn't get the hint. 

"Who, me? No, of course not. Ribbit. So what's your name?" 

"None of your business." 

Not put off by Seifer's evasiveness, Irvine grinned. "Playing hard to get, eh? I like a challenge." 

"Well I don't, so why don't you piss off?" He could feel his nerves wearing thin, and under normal circumstances, he might have punched the cowboy out, but these weren't normal circumstances. He didn't want to make a scene, he just wanted to go back to his room and hide out until the problem could be fixed. 

"Ohhh, I get it. You've got a boyfriend in the dorms." 

"No, I'm going to my room." 

"Well, sweet heart, you're going the wrong way." 

Shit. He hadn't thought of that. How the hell was he going to get past the front desk at the dorms looking like he did? Not that he knew what he looked like, but he knew he had boobs. He knew he sounded like a girl when he talked. There was no way he was going to fool anyone into letting him into the boy's dorm. No way in hell. 

Abruptly, he turned around and headed for the girl's dormitory. It might give him a little bit of pleasure to inconvenience Rinoa for a while. After all, it _was_ her fault. 

"Ribbit!" the cowboy called after him. 

He breezed past the desk in the girl's dormitory without so much as a glance. He couldn't remember which room Rinoa was in, so he was forced to look at the name plates on each door. He found it in minutes and was pleased to learn that she had a private suite. He pounded on the door until Rinoa answered. 

"Something wrong?" she asked, trying in vain to hide a smile. 

"Well, among other things, I can't get into my room. I'm gonna crash here until you come up with something." 

"But . . . " she protested. Seifer pushed past her and into the room. He looked around and scowled. There were pictures of Squall everywhere. And teddybears. Everywhere, freaking teddybears. He'd never understood why girls were so obsessed with them. Teddybears were stupid. They didn't do anything, there was no purpose to them. 

"If you don't mind, I'll take the bed." 

"Seifer, this is my room. You can't just come in here and order me around." 

He smiled down at her. "Yes, I can. Until you fix what you've done to me, you are my slave. Get it? Now, I have to take a leak. Where's the bathroom?" 

Rinoa pointed to one of the two closed doors and covered her mouth to hide a toothy grin. 

Seifer entered the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind him. He unbuttoned his shorts and pulled them down, then stood before the commode to relieve himself. He reached for his dumbstick and couldn't find it. He reached again. Couldn't find it. 

It was gone. And he'd pissed all over his shorts. Urine ran down his legs and into his socks. "SHIT!" he bellowed and punched the wall behind the toilet. 

He flipped the lid down, sat down on it and yanked his soiled shoes and socks off. When he looked up, he was staring into a full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. What he saw there made him scream. 

His scream could be heard from one end of the Garden to the other.   
  
  
  
  
  


******   
Notes   
****** 

Am I officially insane yet? I am a sick and twisted little girl. 

I don't know if this is funny or not, but the idea hit me earlier today while at work and I couldn't stop giggling. I don't know if anyone's done this yet, but I hope not. If I stole somebody's idea, I apologize. It was just to amusing to not write it. I remember reading something a while back about Squall and Selphie switching places, but this isn't the same thing. 

Review. Flame. What the hell, do what you want. 


	2. Got Thong?

**DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY**

**CHAPTER 2**

_Got Thong?_

Seifer stared aghast at his reflection on the back of the door. There, staring back at him in the mirror was the most gorgeous blonde he'd ever seen outside of his massive collection of nudie magazines. Green eyes, long wavy hair, tall and leggy with enormous knockers that stretched the tiny white t-shirt beyond the limits of decency. The kind of girl he'd be hot for under normal circumstances. These were not normal circumstances. I 

t wasn't the sight of himself as a hot blonde bombshell that caused him to scream. It was what was missing, _down there_. It really _was_ gone. The whole unit had mysteriously vanished along with the rest of his masculinity. He stared at the reflection, not even caring that he'd pissed himself, nor that his micro-mini shorts were somewhere around his ankles. He could not grasp the concept that his best friend since he was twelve was gone. Little Seifer was really gone! 

It had to be some kind of bizarre nightmare. Had to be. This could not _possibly_ be happening to him. 

"Seifer, what are you screaming about?!" Rinoa cried as she pushed open the door. "It sounds like you're being murdered in here!" 

Seifer let out a yelp as she poked her head inside and he reached for his soiled shorts. "Out!" he cried as he attempted to cover his nudity and his missing equipment. 

Rinoa began to giggle. She covered her mouth with her hand to try and hide the giggles, but Seifer saw them nonetheless. "I never figured _you_ for a prude," she said with a teasing smile. "Trust me, Seifer, you don't have anything I haven't seen before." She paused for a moment and giggled again, this time not bothering to mask her amusement. "Well, that's not exactly true. I've never seen a guy with _boobs _before." 

"I_ said out!_" he cried and slammed the door in her face. 

Once she was gone, he sat down on the edge of the bath and stared at the mammoth _things_ on his chest. He appreciated breasts, as most men do. A nice set was a lovely thing to behold, but not when they belonged to him. As bad as the situation was, at least he was a _good_ looking woman. He didn't know how he'd have reacted if the reflection in the mirror had been a hideous _hosemonster_ with buck teeth, zits and nerd glasses. But being a hottie did not make up for his missing masculinity. And he still had to deal with the issue of his urine soaked shorts. Though his pride had taken a serious blow, he still had enough left in him to keep him from asking Rinoa for help. Problem was, he couldn't sit in the bathroom until the spell wore off or Rinoa figured something out. Eventually, she would have to use the bathroom, and he would have to leave. 

Eventually, he would have to eat. 

After a few moments, he sucked it up, swallowed his battered pride and called for Rinoa. 

"I need a change of clothes," he muttered when she poked her head in the door for the second time. His cheeks flamed and he couldn't look her in the eye. "Don't ask, just bring me something." 

He heard the sound of a stifled giggle, but he was grateful that she didn't further humiliate him by going hysterical on him again. When she returned she handed him a tiny black skirt, a pair of socks and a pink thong. "These are new, never worn," she said referring to the panties, as if it mattered. "I think the skirt will fit you, but it might be a little short." 

He took the clothes from her and held up the thong, a baffled expression on his face. He'd never understood why girls wore the things. It seemed to defeat the purpose of wearing underwear in the first place. Might as well go commando. Sexy? A definite yes. Practical? No. 

Rinoa turned the thong around and gave him an annoyed look. "It goes on like this." 

"I know how it goes on," he snapped. "Now let me change. In _private_." 

When he emerged from the bathroom, Rinoa gave him a once over and then flashed him a smile. "Not too bad." 

"Can it, princess," he said and flopped onto Rinoa's bed in a rather ungraceful manner. "So what's the plan? How are we going to change me back?" 

"Your guess is as good as mine." 

"That's not what I want to hear," he said. "You _will_ change me back because I am _not_ going to spend the rest of my life looking like this, even if I am hot." 

Rinoa gave him an annoyed look. "Actually, I was on my way to the library when you started screaming like a banshee, thank you very much." 

"Run along then, little slave of mine. Go figure out how to change me back." 

"Keep it up and I'll let you figure it out on your own," Rinoa said and narrowed her eyes at him. "You'll have to die a woman." 

"Quit yappin' and go," Seifer said as he lay back on the bed and crossed his arms behind his head. "Oh, and on your way back, pick me up a turkey sub, no mayo." 

Rinoa crossed her arms and gave him a frosty glare. "Get it yourself, your highness."   
  
  


Seifer was hungry. Rinoa had been gone for hours and the cafeteria would close in twenty minutes. He didn't want to leave the room, but it looked like he would have to if he wanted to eat before breakfast. Reluctantly, he got up from the bed and headed for the cafeteria. He kept his head down on the way there, embarrassed by his appearance. It felt as if everyone was staring at him. 

The tiny bit of material that was supposed to be underwear began to ride up as he walked, wedging deeper and deeper with each step. And the bra! It was the most uncomfortable contraption he had ever known. The straps pulled on his shoulders and there was something sharp poking him on the underside of his left breast. It dug into his skin and with each bounce it hurt more and more until he wanted to rip the thing off and beat Rinoa senseless with it. 

In the cafeteria, he ordered a foot long sub and waited impatiently while the sandwich was prepared. It felt like everyone was staring at him. 

"Yo, have you seen Seifer?" a familiar voice asked the girl standing behind him. Seifer glanced over his shoulder. It was Fujin and Raijin, his posse. 

"I think I saw him go to the training center earlier," the girl said in a meek voice, "but that was about lunch time." 

"MISSING," Fujin said. 

"Naw, he's not missing, ya know. He's probably off with some girl, ya know? He was after that Ashley chick last week, so like, he's probably with her, ya know?" 

Seifer wanted so badly to talk to them, but he figured it was best to maintain a low profile until he was himself again. Then again, if anyone was to believe him, they would. 

"Hey, you look kind of familiar, ya know?" Raijin said as he approached, a dumb expression on his face. "Were you in my nuclear physics class last year? Ya know, with instructor Dunne?" 

"I don't think so," Seifer said and shuffled away, attempting to keep his face in profile to the pair. 

"I'd swear I know you, ya know?" 

Fujin stared hard at him for a long moment and nodded slowly. "FAMILIAR." 

"I know what it is," Raijin said. "She kinda looks like Seifer, ya know? Somethin' about the eyes." 

"SISTER." 

"Fujin was just sayin' . . . ." 

Seifer had enough of the scrutiny and said, "I know what she was saying, idiot. I look like I could be Seifer's sister." 

Fujin turned purple. "RAGE!" 

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Fuj," Seifer said as he accepted his freshly wrapped sub from the cafeteria lady. "You're looking for Seifer, right?" 

"Yeah, you seen him?" Raijin asked. 

Seifer looked around. "Let's go get a table at the back. I'll tell you all about it." 

He didn't see the harm in telling his best buddies the situation. If anything, Fujin wouldn't care, and Raijin was too dumb to be anything but confused or sympathetic. 

Once the tale was told, however, he realized he'd made a mistake. Raijin was indeed confused, but Fujin, who had never smiled, let alone laughed began to make a strange heh-heh-heh noise that quickly became an odd witch-like cackle. She howled and threw back her head, real tears streaming out of her one good eye. Seifer had never seen Fujin smile, let alone laugh and it disturbed him almost as much as this whole situation did. It seemed like the whole world was going to hell. 

"COMEDIAN." 

"Fujin was just saying you're funny, ya know. That was a good joke, but I didn't understand all of it, ya know?" 

"It's not a joke," Seifer said, frustrated. "I _am _Seifer." 

"How you can be Seifer if you're a girl?" Raijin asked. Then he grew suspicious. "I thought you said you knew where Seifer was. We was lookin' for him, ya know?" 

Fujin made the heh-heh noise again and wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye. "FUNNY." 

Seifer threw his hands up and sat back in his chair. He thought of anyone, his friends would believe him, but they didn't. Then he remembered what Rinoa had told him. "Fine, you got me. I'm not Seifer. I'm his sister, Seiferia, from Galbadia." 

"So, like, where's Seifer?" 

"I don't know," Seifer said. "He asked me to come visit him, and then this afternoon, he took off saying he wanted to be a mountain man and live as one with nature." 

"GONE?" Fujin asked, suddenly serious again. 

"I'm afraid so." 

"That doesn't sound like Seifer, ya know? He hates flowers and trees and all that hippie stuff." 

  
  


Seifer returned to Rinoa's room weary and depressed. Rinoa was there waiting for him, a grim expression on her face. "I've got some bad news for you Seifer," she said as he flopped onto the bed. 

"If you're about to tell me you can't change me back, stuff it, because that's not what I want to hear." 

Rinoa sighed. "I can't change you back." 

Seifer shook his head and pulled the boots off of his feet. "Wrong answer." 

"And the magic won't wear off, either," she said. "You're stuck this way, like it or not." 

He stared at her from his place on the bed, uncomprehending. "No." 

"Yes," she said. "Starting tomorrow, you begin your life as Seiferia Almasy. I asked Squall to put you in all of Seifer's classes so that you don't fall behind. He needs you to sign some papers before curfew, so put your shoes back on." 

"No. No, no, no, no!" He was close to tears, something he hadn't been since he was a child. Seifer Almasy didn't cry, but his body seemed to be on the verge of betraying him. "I can't stay like this, Rinoa." 

Seifer hated the desperate tone in his words. He sounded less demanding and more sissified than he'd ever heard himself in his life. 

"You're going to have to," Rinoa said firmly. "Shoes. Now." 

Seifer crossed his arms and glared at her. "Do you know how _much_ I hate you right now?" 

Rinoa crossed her arms and looked at him with pity in her eyes. "Yeah, I guess you do. Hate me all you want, though. It doesn't change anything," she said. "You might as well _try_ to get used to it. Being a girl's not so bad." 

"Easy for you to say," Seifer pouted. "_You've_ never been turned into a man." 

"Look, Seifer, this isn't easy on me either. I feel terrible, ok? 

"Well you should!" he screamed at her. "And by the way, _what _did you tell Squall?!" Seifer imagined that they'd had a good laugh together about his circumstances. 

"That you were Seifer's sister," she said, annoyed. "Did you seriously think I'd tell him the truth?" 

This was the worst news yet. He was going to be a girl for the rest of his life. 

For the second time that day, he opened up his mouth and screamed.   
  
  
  
  


"Good Hyne, what was that?" Quistis asked as she looked up from her cards that were laid out on the table. Zell had challenged her to a game of triple-triad before curfew. They were sitting in the common area between the girl's dorms and the boys, and the sound had come from the girl's hallway. "It sounds like someone's in trouble." 

Zell grinned like a madman for a second. It was still hysterical to him what had happened to Seifer. He considered it poetic justice, and damned funny justice at that. 

Before Quistis could do the motherly thing and go check on the screaming girl, the now feminine Seifer stomped down the hall, Rinoa close behind her. 

"Who is that?" Quistis asked, staring at the blonde bombshell in awe. 

"Someone told me she's Seifer's sister," Zell said with a shrug and he could barely restrain the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. He would have loved to have spread the word, but Seifer had threatened him with death should he open his mouth. 

"Since when has Seifer had a sister?" Quitis wondered aloud and watched the spectacle from her seat.   
  
  
  


"Will you slow down?" Rinoa cried. 

"How 'bout you walk faster," Seifer grunted in his girlie voice. 

The pair was nearing the end of the hallway, and Seifer was doing his best to leave Rinoa behind, but the damned little harpy didn't get the hint. He didn't need her to hold his hand while he signed the papers, he could do it on his own. Seifer was trying hard to think of himself as Seifera, but he wasn't having much luck. He was still a long way off from accepting this situation as permanent. 

"How about you be less of a dick," Rinoa shot back, scampering behind Seifer like an annoying little rat. 

Seifer stopped and glared down at the smaller girl. "How about you fix what you've done? No? Then I'll be as big a dick as I want for as _long_ as I want, ok?" He paused, looked around and reached behind him, then stuck his hand down the back of his skirt. He had a massive wedgie, the kind that hurt and he yanked the offending piece of elastic from between his cheeks for what must have been the hundredth time. "Hyne, how the hell do you stand these thongs?" 

"You get used to it," Rinoa said with a shrug and she continued walking. "We can go shopping in Balamb tomorrow so that you won't have to keep wearing my underwear."  
  
"_OHMYGOD_!" Seifer cried and put her hands to his head as he realized they had an audience. "You did _not _just say that out loud!"   
  
  


======   
Notes   
====== 

I'm truly demented. You ever involve yourself in something _so much_ that you have dreams about it? Well, last night I had a dream involving both characters from the Simpsons and FFVIII. Woke up laughing and with a sudden _need_ to write an absurd fan-fic about it. And you know what? I blame _you_ Flaming Moe. If not for your unhealthy obsession with donuts all things Simpsons I wouldn't be in this predicament......I double dog dare you, buddy......yo mama.......*L* 

So people, this is the latest installment. Not as funny as the first, but I hope you enjoyed it. Review if the urge strikes you. 

Take care and beware of the Three-Eyed-Fish. 


	3. I Hate Teddy Bears

**Dude Looks Like A Lady**

**Chapter 3**  
_I Hate Teddy bears_

Seifer was disgusted with the way Squall was staring. From the moment Seifer had walked into the office, Squall's eyes had not left Seifer's breasts. He wasn't even staring anymore, he was leering. Seifer thought if Squall looked any harder, Squall might actually be able to see through the tiny white t-shirt that did nothing to hide Seifer's pornographic pets. Seifer wanted to vomit. This was just too much. Irvine was one thing, but being ogled by his rival was just completely sick and wrong. 

"It's all arranged," Squall said to Seifer's boobs. "You'll be sharing a room with Rinoa until graduation. She'll be taking the exam this term, too, so if you need any help catching up, she'll be there to help you."

"I can't have my own room?" Seifer asked and he flinched at the sound of his own voice. It sounded so . . . whiny.

"Cadets share a room, no exceptions," Squall replied to the twin peaks. It was if Seifer's breasts were doing the talking. "As far as your classes, you're enrolled in the same ones Seifer was in, except for your PE period. Here's your schedule. If you have any trouble finding anything, just ask Rinoa."

"Oh, yeah. Rinoa's a great help," Seifer mumbled. If not for Rinoa, he wouldn't be in this situation. If she wasn't such a hack, he'd be kicked back in his own room, surrounded by his own things right now. Instead, he was being visually molested by the commander, forced to wear Rinoa's underwear, and he was still disturbed that his little buddy was gone. 

Maybe this was just a really bad dream. A dream he'd wake up from soon. He wanted to pinch himself, but he didn't think people actually did that, so he folded his hands in his lap and willed Squall Leonhart to burst into flames.

"If you have no questions, you're dismissed."

Seifer trudged down the corridor to the elevator, noticing that everyone was staring at him. They were whispering, and he thought he actually saw a few people point. It made him want to scream. Someone behind him called out "Hot Mama!" as he stepped into the elevator, and he felt his cheeks flame. This was the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him. Worse than when Chicken Wuss had pulled his pants down in front of girls when he was twelve. Worse than the time he'd had too much to drink and barfed on his date while making out with her. 

All the way to Rinoa's room, he sulked, feeling as if the whole world were looking at him, and he was relieved when the door was finally closed behind him, and he was alone with Rinoa's teddy bears. He sat down on the bed and glared at the teddy bears.

They looked back at him with vacant, glassy, expressionless eyes.

He hated teddy bears. They were staring at him too.

Enraged, he snatched one from the shelf and twisted it's head until the seams tore. Stuffing stuck out one side and he dug his fingers into the hole and pulled. There was the sound of fabric ripping, and then the head came off in his hand. Satisfied, he tossed the head across the room and let the rest of it fall to the floor. 

The rest of the teddy bears were still staring at him.

"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you," he told them and then settled down for a nap.

An hour later a shrill cry woke him. "Seifer, what the hell did you do to Mr. Snuggles?!" Rinoa cried, holding the body of the murdered plush toy in one hand, it's misshapen head in the other. She stared down at him with accusing, tear stained eyes.

"It's was bothering me," he mumbled. "What's the big deal? It was just a toy."

"Just a toy?!" she cried. "Squall gave me this on our first real date! It was special."

"Give me a break," Seifer said. "It's a stupid toy."

"It's not a stupid toy! You don't understand!" she cried.

"No, I don't understand. You're getting all sappy over something that serves no purpose."

Rinoa dropped the bear on the bed and stared at him. "It had sentimental value, Seifer. It meant something to me."

Seifer heaved a sigh and looked back at her. "My penis meant something to me too, but thanks to you I'm going to have to live without it, so I'm sure you can get used to your dumb little bear being gone too."

Rinoa burst into tears again. "You big MEANIE!!!" she screamed and ran from the room.

In the morning Seifer attended his Tactics class for the first time as a girl. When he entered the room, there were several cat calls and remarks made out his legs. He was further humiliated when Instructor Trepe introduced him to the class. "Miss Almasy, tell us a little about yourself."

What was he supposed to say?

"Um . . . "

They were all looking at him. He imagined they were all staring at his chest. He'd never wanted to scream more in his life.

"I'm from G-garden," he mumbled. "I hate teddy bears, and uhh, I use a gunblade."

_I hate teddybears?_

There was a collective giggle from the class and Instructor Trepe stared at him dumbfounded. "Thank you Miss Almasy. Please take your seat."

The class was uneventful, save Instructor Trepe's scolding him not sitting in a ladylike manner, and when it was over, he decided to grab an early lunch. At that hour, the cafeteria wouldn't be so crowded, and there wouldn't be quite so many pair of eyes looking at him. To his dismay, he got in line right behind the Chicken Wuss.

"S'up," the chicken said with a slight nod of the head. 

Seifer noticed Zell's eyes went right to his breasts. Disgusted, Seifer grabbed Zell by the collar. "What are you staring at?"

"Nu....hu....nothin,'" Zell stammered. 

"Pervert," Seifer said and released him.

Zell rubbed his neck and his face turned crimson. "Sorry. They're just so . . . big, and you're so . . . hot. I couldn't help it."

Seifer covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. Chicken wuss was hitting on him! This was a new low, even though just hours ago, he thought there was nothing below his present situation, but he'd been wrong. Having the chicken check him out was worse than anything so far. The sick part about it was that the chicken knew he was really a dude. "Don't let me catch you looking again."

"Sorry," Zell muttered and looked everywhere but at Seifer's boobs. "Can I make it up to you? Buy you a hot dog?"

"You need help," Seifer hissed at him. "Don't ever speak to me again, you friggin sicko."

He grabbed his lunch and picked a table at the back of the cafeteria away from prying eyes. Everything was peaceful until he was approached by a SeeD who sat down uninvited and began talking about how wonderful he was. "You're gorgeous. The prettiest girl at Garden, I swear it."

"Get bent," Seifer mumbled and stuffed a hotdog in his mouth.

"If you'd like, I'll take you to dinner some time."

"I'd rather jump off a cliff."

"Why are you being so stuck up? I'm just trying to be friendly." The SeeD's hand brushed Seifer's boob. 

That made Seifer angry. He dropped his half eaten hotdog on his tray and got up. He lifted the SeeD out of his chair and threw him against the nearest wall. The SeeD yelped and cowered as Seifer glared down at him. "I want you to leave me alone! I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone! Do you hear me? Just leave me alone!" he screamed and kicked the SeeD, ala' Fujin. 

Seconds later, he was pulled away from the SeeD and taken to Cid's office. The headmaster was not pleased.

"Seiferia, Garden does not tolerate this sort of behavior," Cid said and shook his head. 

"The guy was groping me!" Seifer protested. "What was I supposed to do, let him fondle me while I ate my lunch?"

"I understand you were upset, but you are to conduct yourself in a civilized manner at all times. Any misconduct on anyone else's part is to be reported, and it will be dealt with appropriately. Your actions today were not very ladylike."

"I'm not much of a lady," he muttered. 

"So I see," Cid said. "I've thought about that and I have a solution. There's a class held three days a week that teaches proper behavior for young ladies, and I think you'll benefit from it. It's taught by Selphie Kinneas, and she's quite good."

Seifer began to chuckle. This was getting ridiculous. "Great! Sign me up," he cried sounding more enthusiastic than he meant to, all the while on the verge of hysteria. The last thing he needed was to attend a class taught by that annoying little cheerleader. He imagined that in less than a week, she'd have him brain washed into believing that rainbows, stickers and lucky charms made the world a better place. He would become a big breasted blonde Selphie-clone.

"I'm glad you approve," Cid said with a smile. "You'll start tomorrow."

Notes

The long awaited third chapter....Hope y'all still think this is funny. This chappy is a bit short, but the next chapter might be longer........he he. Can Selphie turn Seifer into a REAL lady, or will it go horribly wrong? I've got so many ideas I can go with, I just don't know what to do with myself......

Enjoy, review, repeat.


	4. Blue Light Special on Aisle Four

**  
**

**Dude Looks Like A Lady  
**

* * *

****

Chapter 4  
Blue Light Special on Aisle Four  


* * *

Rinoa was not speaking to Seifer. She was furious at him, or her, or whatever for killing Mr. Snuggles. The teddy bear had been a gift from Squall on their very first date. He'd taken her to a carnival in Balamb, and he'd won Mr. Snuggles at the ring toss. Rinoa remembered the way Squall had unceremoniously handed her the bear, even though he was blushing a thousand shades of crimson. Now Mr. Snuggles was in two pieces and totally beyond repair. What had Seifer been thinking? 

And for him to be so indifferent and heartless about it. He really was a cold, mean meanie. For the first time, she didn't feel bad about turning him into a girl. In fact, she was glad. Let him be miserable. He could stay a girl for the rest of his life, for all she cared. 

When she'd entered her room last night, she was happy because she had found something in an old book about Seifer's condition. It seemed that occasionally Hyne saw one of his children in need of a lesson, and through magic, circumstances were rearranged so that something might be learned through the experience. The magic would not wear off until the victim of Hyne's prank realized the error of his or her ways and changed for the better. Rinoa had wanted to share this with Seifer when she entered the crime scene, and all thoughts of helping him went out the window. 

Rinoa was generally a sweet girl, but to be fair, she did have a slight cruel streak in her, and thanks to Seifer's actions, that side was coming out. Because of what he'd done to her bear, she was no longer going to help him. She smiled at the thought of what might come next. There were many things about being a girl that were mildly unpleasant - shaving your legs, bikini zone and armpits every day, hormonal induced mood swings, high heels, and of course the monthly visitor. Rinoa knew that Seifer was completely unprepared, and would thus be mortified to know what he'd soon have to deal with. She planned to sit back and watch him squirm. He deserved it.

She put her thoughts of Seifer's misery aside, took out her Tactical Negotiation text book and settled down to study. The SeeD exam was just over a month away and she wanted to graduate at the top of her class. She wanted to prove to everyone, including Squall, that she was capable of being a top notch SeeD. No more feeling left behind for her. While she studied, she daydreamed about scoring even higher on her exams than Squall had. That would show everyone that she wasn't just the commander's ditzy girlfriend.

When Seifer stomped into the room, threw himself onto the bed and sighed heavily, Rinoa ignored him. She wanted to make him suffer for killing her beloved bear, and she knew the silent treatment was the most effective tool she had. 

It seemed to work, too. After a moment, Seifer sighed and cleared his throat. Then, he sighed again. Rinoa refused to respond.

"Don't tell me you're still mad about your stupid bear," he said. 

The distain his voice made her want to scream. Instead of replying, she pretended to be very interested in her studies. 

"Oh, so you're not speaking to me?"

Rinoa didn't look up. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"I thought we were going to go shopping. I could use a change of underwear." Seifer sat up and looked at her. "I know you girls love do shop, so let's get this over with. I don't want to spend all day."

She closed her book and glared at him. "You're perfectly capable of buying your own underwear, Seifer."

He looked baffled. "I thought you were going to help me!"

"You're not helpless," she said and opened her book again . "You can get any supplies you might need at the canteen."

"But, I don't know what I need! I don't know what size to buy, and what about soap and stuff? Don't girls have to use special soap and special razors and lotions and stuff?" Seifer sounded as if he was about to cry. 

Rinoa had to suppress a giggle. She was going to make him do this on his own, but she felt bad about leaving him completely without a clue. "You're probably a size four. Buy the pink razors, the gyshal lotion in the green bottle and some lady speed stick. And if you want some body wash, I suggest Galbadian Glory," she instructed. She fished ten gil from her purse and handed it to him. "Oh, and since you're going, could you pick me up some tampons? The biggest box they have, please."

Seifer flushed. "No. Oh no. No, no, no! I will not be seen buying feminine . . . hygene . . . products. No way."

"Why not?"

"Because guys like me don't do stuff like that."

Rinoa shook her head and sighed. "You're a girl. No one will care. Besides, you might as well get used to it."

Seifer cocked his/her head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Rinoa just smiled and settled down at her desk again. "You'd better hurry, Seifer. The canteen closes in fifteen minutes." Then, she opened her book, turned her back to him and grinned down at the pages.

* * *

Seifer stomped downstairs, Rinoa's gil clutched in his fist and his cheeks burning. He couldn't remember everything she'd told him to buy, but he remembered the tampons. 

Tampons. Holy Hyne. He wasn't even sure what a box of those looked like. Those were in the aisle of the canteen that he and every other male at Garden avoided like the plague. He'd never been down that aisle and wouldn't be caught dead there under normal circumstances. But these weren't normal circumstances. He'd been turned into a friggin' girl, and now there were all these special things he was supposed to buy, and he didn't know if he could go through with it. 

This sucked. Royally, totally, completely sucked. Extreme suckage. 

He entered the canteen, which resembled a pharmacy with it's selections of toothpastes, shampoos, cold remedies and first aid supplies. He'd never really thought about the place much. He'd always been able to go in, grab what he needed and got out. Or more recently, he'd gotten Rajin to do it for him. 

Too bad this wasn't something he could get Rajin to do. And there was no point in asking Fuujin. She'd just bark "NO" and kick him.

With a sigh, he approached aisle four, which was the dreaded aisle of death. He stared down it as if he were staring into the seventh circle of hell. He would almost rather jump into the pit in the fire cavern than walk down that aisle. He was so mortified that he'd actually begun to sweat.

After a moment of lingering there, his cheeks burning and his brow damp, he took a deep breath and grabbed a basket. It was now or never. 

Ok. There was the lady speed stick. Good. And the pink razors. Wonderful. Lotion in a green bottle. Excellent. Galbadian Glory body wash with a free scrubby thing. Joy.

Four down, two to go. This wasn't so bad. Not so bad at all. He could just get the stuff, pay for it and get out. No harm done. 

He took a deep breath and eyed the selection of panties. His heart pounded. What to choose? There were too many different types to pick from.. Briefs. Bikini. Rio. French. Thong. Low-rise Boyshorts.

Hmmm. Boy shorts. Those looked like a short version of his fitted boxers. Yes. Size four. Eight in a pack. Briefs sounded good too. No picture but underwear were underwear, so long as they weren't a thong. He'd never wear one of those vile contraptions ever again. He grabbed a pack of those and stuffed them in his basket. 

Almost done. Now for the hard part. The thing no guy ever wanted to be seen purchasing, even if it was only for his girlfriend. The dreaded tampon. After searching for a moment, he found the 'feminine' products and scanned the shelves. Personal dryness crème? Eww. Yeast infection medication? Blech! Maxi pads? Getting close. 

Seifer was sweating profusely by the time he found the tampon selection and almost started to cry when he saw how many different types there were to choose from. Light. Regular. Super. Super Plus. Multipack with all four. Scented, unscented. Plastic applicator. Paper applicator. No applicator. Tampax, Always, O.B. and ten different other brands with a billion variations on a single theme. What did it matter? Weren't they all the same?

Applicator? What the hell did that mean? Seifer didn't know. He didn't think he wanted to know. He just wanted out of this place. He grabbed the giant sized multipack, dropped it into the basket and made a break for the register. 

The clerk began to ring up his order and Seifer drummed his fingers on the counter impatiently. He had to get out of this store. Soon. It felt as if the walls were closing in on him. It wasn't right. Never in his whole life had he felt so panicked. All over some stupid girl stuff. 

He'd started to calm down when the clerk grabbed the supersize box of tampons and it wouldn't register the price then he lost his grip again. His skin grew cold and he silently willed the clerk to punch in a random price, if only to save him from the embarrassment of what he knew was coming. 

No such luck. The clerk grabbed a small microphone and held it to her mouth. "Price check on Tampax Tampons. Super Mega Multipack." 

Seifer felt as if every eye in the store were on him. His vision began to blur and then his whole world went dark. 

He woke up in the infirmary, an ice pack on his forehead and a wicked throbbing behind his eyes. What the hell? How did he get here?

Seifer sat up and groaned. Dr. Kadowaki looked up from her desk and smiled. "Welcome back."

"What happened?"

"You passed out in the canteen. How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," he replied and held his hand to his head. 

"You took a header right into the counter. Bumped your head pretty good, but you'll live," she said. "I took the liberty of sending your things up to your room. Your change is in the bag." 

"Great."

"Any idea why you might have passed out?"

Seifer shrugged. "Stress, I guess. Going through a lot of changes."

Dr. Kadowaki nodded. "That's to be expected at your age. Get some rest, try to relax and stay away from the hotdogs. If you get dizzy again come see me and we'll do some blood work to see if your problem is a little more complicated than stress. Girls your age sometimes develop anemia due to menstruation and are prone to dizzy spells because of a lack of iron in their diet. With that said, I think you can return to your studies now. And come see me if it happens again."

Seifer stared at her not understand a word of what she was saying. He'd never heard of any of this, and he didn't care that girls were prone to anemia. He didn't want to hear anything else about what girls need and what their bodies do. He didn't want to know anything more about bras, underwear or special soaps. He just wanted his life back.

* * *

Zell was bored. He'd gone to the library to flirt with the cute work-study at the desk, but when he'd gotten there, he discovered that it was her day off. He thought she might be at the Quad, but it was full of underclassmen watching a spear demonstration, which he'd seen a thousand times already. So, he'd decided to go to the training center to try out a new move on some of the low level monsters. He'd been itching to try it out, but hadn't been able to get into the training center. It had been closed at random times lately due to the addition of an advanced level area for the upperclassmen and SeeDs. 

When he arrived, it was open and he had the place to himself. With written exams just a month or so away, most of the cadets were busy pouring over their text books and notes, while the SeeDs tended to venture outside of Garden walls in search of bigger challenges beyond what the Training center currently offered. Zell didn't mind. It was easier to concentrate when he was alone.

He wandered through the grounds in search of a monster, humming the Balamb waltz as he walked. To his left, he heard a sound and grew silent. 

Not the sound of a monster. The sound of a girl crying. He envisioned a wounded damsel in distress and sprang to action. What he found was a damsel in distress all right, but not the kind he would have preferred. 

Seiferia sat leaning against a tree, sobbing into her hands. Zell had never seen Seifer cry. For some reason, the sight of the girl Seifer had become crying brought out the softer side in him. He hated it when girls cried. It always made him feel bad.

"Hey," he said and crouched down beside her. "You ok?"

Seiferia looked up at him and her face twisted into a scowl. "Leave me alone, Chicken-wuss."

Zell shook his head. "Look, I'm not hitting on you, ok? I just want to know if you're ok."

"Yeah, if you can call this ok," she said, gesturing to her new appearance. "You and Rinoa think it's funny, but you don't know."

"Hey," Zell said and took a seat beside her. "I'd flip out too if it happened to me."

"You still think it's funny."

"Well, yeah. It is pretty funny, Seifer. I mean, if it were me and not you, you'd make my life a living hell."

Despite her tears Seiferia laughed. "Yeah, I probably would. Especially since you'd be one butt ugly chick."

Zell almost got angry, but then realized that there was no point. Jerk or not, Seifer was suffering. "So what's it like to be a girl? See any boobs yet?"

Seiferia glared at him and pointed to her chest. "Duh."

"Oh, right," Zell said, feeling dumb. "My bad."

"But to answer your question, it sucks to be a girl," Seiferia said. 

Zell nodded. He supposed it would be pretty shocking to suddenly have to live as a girl. Girls were weird. He didn't understand them at all. He didn't understand the games they played with men, and he didn't understand why they always had so much stuff in their rooms. Lipstick. Make up. Nail polish. Stuffed animals, boxes and boxes of photographs, blow driers, hairspray, curling irons. 

"Much better to be a guy," Zell agreed. After a beat, he asked, "So can we call a truce? At least until you turn back into yourself?"

Seiferia wiped her tears and rolled her eyes. "What the hell. I've got enough to deal with right now anyway."

Then, she burst into tears again. Zell didn't know if he should put his arm around her or just let her cry. He'd probably get hit if he tried to comfort her, so he just sat there for a minute.

"You know what sucks the most?" Seiferia asked. "I feel like I'm gonna cry every five minutes and I don't even know why. I almost started crying over a damned long distance commercial this morning. A stupid commercial!"

Zell didn't know what to say. That was something else he didn't understand. Girls and their emotions. It was just bizarre. They cried about everything, even the normally stoic Quistis cried sometimes over nothing. 

Even more bizarre, Seiferia was confessing all of this to him, but at least he might actually make a friend of his former rival.

* * *

XXX Notes XXX

I know I promised more of this sooner than this. This story has been very hard for me to write lately. Twas such fun in the beginning…..but as some of you may know, I lost my muse, and it's not so much fun to write anymore. This chapter went through six different rewrites before I was satisfied with it, and I think the story's lost some of it's giggle factor. For me anyway. Don't know where I'm going with it, don't know for sure if I'll continue…..we'll just have to see. Back in the dark place again. Bah. I'll get over it. Don't worry. 

If anyone has any ideas….e-mail them. 

And for everyone who's reviewed this story. Thank you. Your reviews keep me writing here. If not for your comments, critiques and encouragement, I don't think I'd continue with any of my fix here. 

If you're interested or did not know already, I do have other stories here on some of them complete, some in progress. Various genres, various subjects. Currently posting chapters for "History Never Repeats" a second generation fiction…..a note before reading it if you decide to check it out……the first couple of chapters are very similar to the game, but not (as one reader accused me of) a copy of the game. Situations and dialog are similar, but the characters have different motivations, and the story does twist away from the tale of FFVIII and becomes it's own story. I'm very proud of it, and if you get a chance, please give it a read and a review. 

Again, thanks for reading. My reviewers rock. 


	5. Unnatural Behavior

**Dude Looks Like A Lady**   
_A FFVIII Gender Bending Fan Fic_

* * *

**Chapter 5**   
_Unnatural Behavior_

* * *

Seiferia sat in Selphie Tilmitt's class, bored out of his mind. She was supposed to be teaching him how to act like a lady, but so far, all she'd done was ramble on about shoes. Who gave a crap about shoes? He wore boots and he liked them, so why did he have to sit through an hour long lecture on heels, flats and sandals? Who cared? This class was a major waste of time. He could be in the training center now, beating the crap out of a T-rexaur. But instead he was sitting here, bored to tears by the Instructor's endless prattle. 

"So now I'm going to pass out your 'SeeD' issue heels," Instructor Tilmit said. "I want you to try them on and practice walking in them. Most of you should be pretty good at it, but if you're a sandal or boot kind of girl, just remember to tuck in your tush, stand up straight and then it's heel, toe, heel, toe." 

This was not good. 

Seiferia had never worn heels, and had hoped to never have to wear heels for any reason. Ever. He liked the way they looked on girls. He liked the way heels made their hips shake. But he knew he was not a heel wearing kind of guy. 

Selphie set a shoe box on each desk and read off each name and size as she did so. Most of the shoes were size five, six, seven and eight, Seifer noticed. There were a couple of size nines, one size three and one size ten. A couple of girls giggled at the mention of the size ten. 

He had no idea about women's sizes, other than their feet were small. He glanced down at his boots, and then at the girl sitting next to him. His boots were almost double the size of her tiny flats. 

When Selphie got to him, she plopped a large box onto the desk top and read off, "Seiferia Almasy, size fourteen." 

All the girls in class were giggling now. At him. 

Size _fourteen_? Holy Hyne! What was he, the bigfoot of women? 

He stared at the loathsome box and felt his cheeks flame. He was a freak all the way around. 

Selphie finished handing the shoe boxes out and perched on the edge of her desk. "All right ladies! Let's boogie!" she cried. 

The girls tore into the shoe boxes like a bunch of spoiled children unwrapping their gifts on Christmas. Everywhere, shoes and socks came off, while Seiferia watched in horror. He slowly removed the lid from his own box and stared down at the water skis inside. They were ugly. Really, really ugly. 

He removed his boots and socks, noticing the foul odor that wafted up at him. It smelled like something had crawled inside the boot and died. He tucked them under is desk and prayed that no one else noticed. 

"Good, HYNE, what is that smell!" The girl behind him cried. He glanced back at her and shrugged. She pinched her nose and moaned. 

"It smells like rotten hot dogs!" another girl remarked. 

Up at the front of the room, Selphie had noticed it too. The odor had permeated the entire room. The instructor reached inside her desk and found a can of spray air freshener and began to spray the front of the room heavily. It helped, a little. Now the room smelled like rotten flowers. 

"All right, ladies. Let's get those shoes on and practice our walking." 

Crisis averted, Seiferia slipped on the massive black pair of death traps and put his feet down. They felt . . . wrong. His feet were bent at a strange angle, and his toes were cramped in the narrow space at the end. 

He stood up and teetered on the narrow three inch heel. They hurt his feet. 

He'd never realized that there were so many things about being a girl that were rather uncomfortable. Why did they put up with this crap? Thongs, heels, bras, even shaving . . . they all sucked. 

"Now try walking in them, Miss Almasy," Selphie said. "Heel, toe, heel, toe." 

He had no idea what she meant. He hadn't been paying attention but he nodded and attempted to take a step. The tiny heel was apparently too narrow to support the giant blonde perched on top of them. The heel turned over and Seiferia fell into the desk next to him. "Shit!" he cried as his head hit the edge of the desk hard enough to blur his vision. 

"Miss Almasy, remember, a lady does not use that kind of language," Selphie chirped as she approached. She eyed him for a moment. "I guess you've never walked in heels." 

The girls around him giggled again. 

"Never had the pleasure," he muttered as he got up. 

"Maybe we should try something with a smaller heel first," she said thoughtful. "You're gonna need some extra tutoring. You're rooming with Rinoa, right?" 

"Unfortunately." He kicked off the heels and sat down. 

"You're lucky," Selphie said. "She's one of our best tutors." 

"We're not on the best of terms right now," Seiferia said. "I don't think she'd help me." 

Selphie thought for a moment. "Well then, you get to practice with me!" 

That was just what he needed. Special treatment. From the cheerleader. Great. 

"I'll also give you the notes on the class you missed about personal hygiene," she continued. "That way, we won't have that odiferous problem next time." 

"Um, thanks," he mumbled, humiliated. 

"No problem," Selphie said. "You need a lot of work. I think I'm going to make you my pet, and when I'm done with you, you' ll be the perfect lady!" 

Mortified, Seiferia dropped his head onto his desk and cried.

* * *

In the Cafeteria, Seiferia sat by himself. He didn't want to be around anybody right now, he just wanted to be alone in his misery. He felt like crying again, but he forced it back and picked at the plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of him. As usual, the cafeteria food was bland and tasteless, and it was probably a good thing that he didn't have much of an apetite. 

Not to mention, his boobs hurt and he felt bloated. 

He pushed the plate away and took a sip of his cola. It had gone flat. 

Everything about being a girl sucked. He'd never realized that it wasn't easy to deal with all the things they _had_ to deal with. What got him was that they dealt with it and most of them still managed to get up in the morning, shower, shave, fix their hair, put on make up, get dressed and go out in the world. He was used to getting up, throwing on whatever smelled cleanest and rushing off to class without bothering to brush his hair or wash his face. He wanted his bachelor life back. It had been easy and comfortable. 

Unfortunately, since becoming a girl, none of it had been easy or comfortable. He couldn't remember a time in his life where he'd felt any more _uncomfortable_. 

It was strange though, he was already becoming used to some of it, and he was starting to act like a girl, dispite his determination _not _to. It bothered him that he found fashion magazines so facinating. And it bothered him that he saw the reasoning behind carying a purse, something that had baffled him not so long ago. 

Zell took a seat at the table, across from Seiferia. "Hey," Zell said. 

"Did I say you could sit here?" 

"I'm sorry," Zell said, "It's just, you looked like you could use some company." 

"Well, I don't," Seiferia muttered. 

"You want me to go?" 

Seiferia thought about it for a minute. He figured it was best to be nice to Zell, since he was one of only two people who knew his secret. It was probably a good idea not to piss him off. "Nah, go ahead and stay. I don't care." 

Zell cleared his throat. "I uh, actually, I came over for a reason." 

"Oh yeah," Seiferia said, already bored with Zell's company. "What's that?" 

"Well, the Garden Festival's commin' up this weekend, and I was thinking . . ." 

Seiferia knew what was coming. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to scream. 

"I was thinking that we could go together," Zell said. "I mean I know you're not you, but I thought it would save you the trouble of being, ya know, hit on by a bunch of guys. 'Cause, um, the guys are talking about you, and uh, they all think you're hot." 

Seiferia opened his eyes and made a face. "What are you saying? You wanna protect me from them?" 

"I just thought it was something you'd wanna, you know, consider." Zell's face turned a thousand shades of pink before finally settling on a very unflattering crimson. 

"You realize that you just asked a guy on a date," Seiferia taunted. 

"I'm just trying to help you out," Zell said. "It wouldn't really be a date. Just a cover." 

It wasn't such a bad idea. "Sure. Why not?" Seiferia said. 

"Really?" 

"It's the best option I have," Seiferia said. "But if you're going with me, you need to re-think your wardrobe." 

"Hunh?" 

"You said it yourself. I'm hot. I'm not going to be seen with some wannabe skater-boi." 

"Oh, yeah. Sure. Any suggestions?" Zell asked, eager for pointers. 

Seiferia, who had never cared for fashion but now seemed to have an instinct for it, eyed Zell up and down. 

Then it happened. 

He was hit by a strange urge. 

The _urge_ to shop. 

He _needed, had to, must _shop. 

Right now. 

"Zell, you have any more classes today?" 

"No." 

"Good. We're going to Balamb to find you a new look."

* * *

Zell followed Seiferia through Balamb in a daze. It was getting harder and harder to think of this blonde knock out with the giant boobs and long legs as 'Seifer.' For one thing, she wasn't really acting much like Seifer anymore. Sure, she was sarcastic and mean, but Seifer had never been volunteered to help him shop for new clothes. It was something he would have expected of Rinoa or Selphie, and maybe in a pinch, Irvine, but never Seifer. 

So far, they'd purchased a pair of dark red leather pants, a black leather trench coat with flames painted on the back, a white, body-hugging tank and a pair of motor cycle boots. Now they were off in search of 'accessories.' Whatever those were. 

Seiferia searched through a rack of spiked leather collars. She picked out one and slipped it around his neck. "Hmmm. Too small," she muttered and selected another. This one must have fit because she nodded and added a pair spiked wrist bands to match. 

Next, she dragged him to the weapon shop where she selected a new pair of gloves. They were exactly like his regular gloves, but these too were black. 

"Perfect," she said, appraising his new look. "But something's missing." 

Zell looked down at his new clothes, wondering what else he could possibly need. 

"Your hair," she exclaimed. "Of course!" 

"What's wrong with my hair?" 

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" 

"Yeah, I do," he said and crossed his arms. He liked his hair this way. 

"Well, for starters, you could put somebody's eye out with it," she said. "Second, that style was cool, like, ten years ago. Now come on." 

She pulled him to the salon, which was only across the street, and rapidly fired instructions at the stylist. He didn't understand half of what she said, and he was a little miffed that he didn't get any say in what was done to his hair. It was his head, after all. He was he one who had to live with the end result. 

He was put into the barber chair and some kind of paste was put on his hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Seiferia in a chair of her own, and a stylist was busy snipping away at her head. Zell glanced at the floor and noticed long sections of blonde hair on the floor around her chair. 

His head was eventually rinsed, and then the stylist went to work. 

When he was finally allowed to look in the mirror, Zell was shocked at what he saw. Gone was his spiky blonde hair. It was now jet black, and while still spiky, considerably shorter than before. He didn't know if he wanted to scream or admire it. It didn't look bad, but it was drastic. Not a look he would have chosen for himself. 

"Perfect," Seiferia said with an approving nod. 

Zell did a double take when he caught her reflection in the mirror. She'd had her hair more than just trimmed. She'd had it cut into an inverted bob, so that it was shorter in the back than in the front, and the stylist had blown her natural curls paper straight. 

"What do you think?" she asked. 

"I like it," Zell said. "It suits you." 

"I meant _your_ hair, chicken - wuss." 

"It's different?" 

"It's_ killer_," Seiferia assured him. "Now you're fit to be my date."

* * *

Notes: 

Soooo...not terribly funny, but some of it may pay off later. Sorry it's so short. And Seifer/Seiferia is pretty OOC towards the end. 

Next chapter up...Zell's date disaster...he he he he! What I'm about to do to Seifer is just . . . wrong. Mawaaaahhhhahahah! 

**Review!**

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